It is funny how as a woman, we can totally shut down any intimacy or even the idea of intimacy according to our emotions. By 7:00 am this morning I had already determined that i would not be intimate at all with Paul today if he didn’t take his turn in getting Ashlyn ready for the bus this morning and then decided that he was feeling well enough to go to his scheduled golf tournament! You see, Paul and I take turns just about every other day in getting up with the kids especially Ashlyn because she is “special needs” for those who don’t know, and she gets up extremely early some days. So we have had this mutual agreement for years. But the last few weeks we haven’t really been on the schedule because of the physical and emotional drain of being on radio show after radio show morning and night. Which has really been a great thing, however, my “taker” as Dr. Harley calls it in his books, has risen up and as Popeye says, “I’ve taken all I can stanz and I can’t stanz no more! For Paul’s side, he has had a sore throat for three days now and Anthony and I were in the doctor’s office yesterday and he has strep! So, with all of the extra stress, i have already shut down by 7:00 am. Dr. Harley states that we all have a “giver” and we all have a “taker.” Self explanatory as they are and as justified as i think i am to allow my “taker” to rise up, something interesting happened in the car-ride home from dropping Ashlyn off at school, (yes, she missed her bus this morning!) I was listening to the radio and heard an interview with Chris Tomlin, and they later played his song, “How Great is Our God” my heart was touched as i began to re-focus my mind from “ME” and focus on how great my God is. My selfish heart broke over my “selfish” thoughts and I just sat in my garage singing at the top of my lungs with tears flowing down my face. And in that moment, the third person of God in our relationship rose up and turned my “taker” back into my “giver” again. Christ is the difference in a believer’s life. It is His spirit that is in us that re-focuses our minds and hearts so that we are enabled to do what is right even when we “feel” like doing what is wrong. For this reason, again, I emphasize that this “program” we call the “30daysexchallenge” will not work unless two people are one in body mind and spirit through the redemptive work of the cross in their individual lives. This was made known to me as I listened to a radio personality, who is a female, mention after Paul had gone off the air live, that she wouldn’t have sex when she was angry with her spouse. I wanted to jump on the telephone lines to clarify… your missing it. Your right, no-one wants to be intimate with anyone when there is “stuff” between them, but our plan is to make sure that we are first getting rid of the “stuff” between us through forgiveness. So try forgiveness first. And we can only “forgive, even as we have been forgiven.” Col 3:13 Have you been forgiven?
Susie
So it is day 12 of the challenge and all I can say is that I have been blown away by what people are writing here on this blog. I know that God is doing a makeover on hundreds and hundreds of relationships and for that I am thrilled and humbled. I also know that for some of you this has been the most difficult thing that you have ever done in your relationships. Maybe for some people who are single this is the first time that you have decided to place God at the center of your relationship. And for some married couples maybe this is the first time that you have considered your spouses needs over your own. Susie and I are really enjoying the challenge because it has been 10 years since we have done this. Yes 10 years ago Susie and I embarked on 30 days of intimacy that has lead to 10 years of meeting each others deepest emotional needs. We have not always been great at meeting each others needs because all of us are selfish from time to time but we always know what we are supposed to do. My prayer is that as we close in on the half way point that you would make the choice not to quit. I am sure that some of you are at the point where you are saying this is to hard, I don’t like meeting my spouses needs, or I do not like it that God wants me to reserve sex for marriage and you want to quit. Well could I encourage you that usually half way through anything is the time where most people quit and then they never see the benefits of reaching their goal. Weather it is climbing Mount Everest, running a Marathon, joining the football team, or doing something great for God and our relationships. We all must decide to crash through the quitting points and continue moving forward. We will talk soon.
“KEEP MOVING FORWARD” Walt Disney
Paul
We just received this from Karie:
I’m one of the singles taking the challenge, however I have been in a long term relationship for 3 years. I decided that this would be a really good thing for us, and fairly easy since we are not currently living together at this time, and only get to see each other twice a week. My boyfriend was not very “pumped” about the challenge, yet he said “I can do this NO PROBLEM!” This has definitely opened up lines of communication between the two of us. I have learned that sex is a very big part of the relationship for intimacy - but definitely not the most important! I need honesty and affection from my partner.
I have to admit, today above all days I was tempted for some additional intimacy since he will be visiting, but then I saw the daily Bible Verse for today and this is what it said:
“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God” 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 NIV
Talk about God having my back when Satan was out to get me! Throughout this challenge - I am learning above all, that I need to put God first above all things, more than my boyfriend, myself, or anything else. Through Christ all things are possible.
Karie
We just received this in our email:
…My story is that I started this challenge on Feb.15th, before I even heard of the church wide challenge. I am a Christian and have been for 16 years now, and have remained abstinent throughout those years. But when I got engaged we started toying with the idea that we are going to get married so it doesn’t really matter right? I just want to say, from experience, that it does matter!! If you are already sexually active when you get married, then what is there to look forward to on your wedding night? It will just be another night together. Because I now have this mindset, I sat my fiance down and talked to him. I said that I wanted our wedding night to be something we looked forward to. Something exciting and amazing!!! Not just another night like the rest. So we made a commitment to abstain from ALL sexual activity until our wedding night. And we were especially not allowed to tease each other, because that would lead to too much. So we are just passing week one and he is already telling me how much he can’t wait to get married!!! And I know I can’t either! We will be married on March 15th and I know it will be wonderful!! I just wanted to say that I think this challenge is a Great idea and thank ya’ll for creating such a buzz about it!
We just got this from Kara.
I have been drawn to so much that has been written from the singles
embarking on this journey. How I wish I could rewind the clock and
make different choices. How I wish I could have given myself
completely to my husband. How I wish that at this very moment, I
would have a smile on my face about my past instead of these tears.
Even now in my late 20’s, happily married with kids, there are pieces
of me that I will never have again, pieces of me that feel as if they
have been stolen. I am still living with the choices I made and it
still hurts. It hurts my heart but more importantly, I know that I
disappointed God. I hate the feeling like I want to run and hide from
Him, knowing that I never will be able to. I listened to a terrible
lie, I was totally deceived into thinking that I just wasn’t worth it.
I couldn’t have been more wrong. And do you know who showed me that
I was worth it? My husband. From the first day that I met him he
showed me the love of Jesus. I didn’t know it at the time, and it
took me about a year to accept His gift, but Jesus sent me the most
amazing man who truly has “loved me as Christ loves his church.” (Eph.
5:25). This challenge has really been a great ride so far. Not only
have I been able to take the first steps toward forgiving myself, but
it brought me back to the gift that my husband has been in my life.
Now that I know his needs, I can work on fulfilling them; work on
sacrificing myself in the right, healthy way. It really is all about
Christ’s love for us, and I’m finally seeing that.
We just got this from Jenny.
My immediate reaction to the series 30 Day Sex Challenge was, how does this topic have anything to do with me? That has been on my list for a while now…
First I feel you should know I am a single woman who has not had sex. As I thought about my question I realized this challenge is more emotional than physical for me. I know, sex is in the title but as you look at the guide there are other emotional needs that I think are important as well.
I have been fortunate enough to surround myself with people that fill many of my emotional needs everyday. Affection, conversation, honesty and openness all with my family and friends. I feel that sexual fulfillment is something that can wait. I’m not saying it is an easy task, however, how much more reward can you receive from finding your emotional needs from friends and family who have been there for you.
This is what God is showing me through the 30 Day Sex Challenge. I am in a place that I am receiving emotional fulfillment without the sex to make life complicated. Over the next 20 some odd days take the challenge and see how you can meet other emotional needs that have been starved in the past. You may discover that it is more important that you find a person who can be your recreational companion than just a casual sex partner.
“I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices holy and pleasing to God–this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–His good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:1-2
So day 7 is in the can for me, and I’m looking forward to day 8. Things have been really good so far. The guide has been helpful, but what has impacted me the most is community with others. One of the things I find me and my friends thinking about is really examining ourselves. It’s funny, life is so busy, you can go a really long time without ever having to take stock of yourself. You know, who you are, who you’re becoming… what you’ve done. This is forcing me to look at “the man in the mirror”. I wrote this blog a long time ago on my own site, and it was called “Lucky Vampire”. It was basically about how vampire’s are so lucky because they can avoid having to see themselves in the mirror. I’m still envious of that sometimes. I challenge singles, all of us, to really look at our past relationships. What have we done that we regret? What have we done to sabotage something good? What patterns do we see ourselves fall into? And maybe, if we’re lucky, what have we done right?
So I just got back from morning service (which was amazing by the way) and I was thinking about how the challenge may be tough for a single person who is not in a relationship and not dating anyone. I was thinking that they may be discouraged sitting through a service that is all about, A. Married people improving their relationship with their spouse, and B. singles abstaining to gain a deeper understanding of who the person they are dating truly is. I thought they might disconnect a little bit from the series . Then I realized that everything I am learning to do from abstaining can totally be applied to my relationship with God. The challenge is teaching me that by putting sex aside, I can learn more about the person I am dating and in turn, have a healthier, more meaningful relationship. Single people who are not dating can also practice all these things that the challenge is teaching us to do. By cutting out lustful thoughts, and working to improve other daily struggles, non-dating singles can have more time to focus on God and be able to come to a deeper understanding of who he truly is. Here it is: If you think you are single and not dating anyone, feeling a little lonely and left out of the challenge, guess again. You’re totally dating God. Pack your bags and hop on the “30 day sex challenge” train because you are just weeks away from having a deeper more meaningful relationship with a very important person —->JESUS.
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