Every day I somehow find a way to fall short of Gods glory. I lie, I curse, I complain, I gossip, I have doubts. I find myself craving all the wrong things; money, a new truck, a vacation, a “perfect” girlfriend. I even crave more hours in a day, which, in reality, would just give me more time to crave more things that I just don’t need!
Lately I’ve been feeling distant. I’ve somehow managed to pack student teaching three days a week, four classes at school, three nights a week coaching youth lacrosse, and a full day at church on Sunday, into one 7-day bag. Every night when I lay down to fall asleep I think about God, and every night I tell him, “Not now, I’m just too tired.” I’ve been running, and what does running get you? Distance.
I think God lets us drift away for a reason. He needs to show us that a life without him is no life at all. I didn’t have a total breakdown. I didn’t start doing drugs. I didn’t start drinking heavily. I just felt alone, even with a ton of people around me every day, I felt absolutely stranded. I didn’t see Him sitting next to me in the car. I didn’t hear him through my radio, and I didn’t feel him anywhere. I discovered the worst feeling in the world, numbness.
This week God reeled me back in. It happened at growth group, which, one could say ironically, I happen to be the leader of. My group is reading, “Messy Spirituality,” which is written my Michael Yaconelli. This is what got me, Michael wrote,
”Spirituality is not a formula; it is not a test. It is a relationship. Spirituality is not about competency; it is about intimacy. Spirituality is not about perfection; It is about connection.”
You see, I was never really alone. I may not have been able to see God, or to hear him, or even feel him, but he was always there. He is always there. God loves me so much more than I could ever imagine or fathom. Like Michael said, faith is not a test, it’s a relationship. It’s not perfection, it’s connection. Through my imperfections I was able to strengthen my relationship with the one who will never test me but will always guide me, and the one who will never hurt me, but always lift me.
I’m craving something different today. I don’t want money, a bigger truck, a girlfriend, or even more time in a day. Today I crave Gods light. I want to be one of those people who shine. The kind that you see and instantly think, “man, he has something in his life that I need.”
There is a verse in a song by Anberlin that I feel sums this all up pretty perfectly,
Live, I wanna live on fire.
Die, I wanna burn out brighter.
Brighter than the Northern lights,
Wanna live to feel the daylight.
The more I live I see, this life’s not about me.
1 Corinthians 10:13 - No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it. (The Message)