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If you are a Christ-follower, what influence does faith have on your dating decisions?
That is part of the question from day 12. I want to give my answer to that question, which may or may not make sense. How’s that for a disclaimer?
My faith is the most important thing in my life. It’s basically how i make all of my decisions. But i recognize that the way i live out my faith is probably pretty different from a lot of people, and I think that’s ok. So first and foremost, for me to be in a serious dating relationship, you have to have “a faith in Jesus”. That’s pretty vague, but that’s on purpose. I know people will quote the “equally yolked” verse, but who knows exactly what that means. If you have a faith, and you are honestly trying to live it, then you make the cut. From there it gets tricky. Something that is personally important to me is balance. I think as people we often spend too much time dealing with and living in extremes. I don’t think that’s the best way to live. So, I like a girl who can have balance. And i think the most important area to have balance in is our culture. I want a girl who is comfortable with Christ and culture. I want to be able to sit and talk about calvanism vs arminianism. But i also want to go see the new Will Ferrell movie. And I want to go talk about it after… in a bar… over drinks. I want a girl who can encourage me in my faith, but who can also realize that quoting a simple bible verse at me when I’m upset probably won’t cut it. I want to listen to Derek Webb with her, and then tell her why Tupac is the greatest artist that has ever lived. So yes, faith is very important to me. But most important is a girl with a mature faith that realizes we are in this world, this culture, and she’s not afraid of it.
We just received this from Becky.
In this weeks “singles guide” one day particularly jumped out at me. I know we have been talking a lot about the different levels of connection and intimacy and most of the effort has been focused on actions as far as giving and receiving or meeting each others needs. Obviously meeting each others needs is the point but I think that sometimes when we take the emotional needs test and find out what our needs are we forget to work on some other important areas.
Day 11 struck me as strange. The question asked, “do you talk to much on dates, are you silent?” I am unable to answer this question as it was originally intended, from individual dates, I am not familiar with traditional dating. My experience lies in long term relationships where dates are much fewer and farther between. The same question can still apply however. The biggest hurdle I have found in relationships is simple communication. When you first start a relationship you want to learn all about the other person, you are interested in what they have to say and you ask probing questions. There is a song that has been playing a lot lately reminding me of this fact, a song by Rascal Flatts called “Take me there”. The tag line sings, “I wanna know everything about you, I wanna go down every road you been…” I have to say though that as that relationship progresses and you develop ‘vocal lethargia’ we stop really caring what the other person has to say and are much more concerned about whether or not our words are being heard. Eventually we stop listening at all to anyone but ourselves and look up to find 6 months down the road, we have no idea who this person is sitting next to us. We say we are going through life with them but is it really with or just next to. Do we happen to be running together because we are still choosing to or because it is easier to run at the same pace than to pick it up and try something more challenging. We grow comfortable in where we are and sadly some of us decide that it is easier to stay exactly where we are with exactly the knowledge we have, or don’t have for that matter, assuming everything is going on at the same pace as always.
The problem with this is that every day people change. They grow, learn, stretch and find new and exciting things that in a healthy relationship should be shared together, brought to a point of common understanding and pursued together, challenging each other. More often then not I fear, these relationship and challenges become more of a one man show than a team. We experience more feelings of independence in the most negative way, when we are in a relationship that has forgotten the importance of communication.
The best encouragement I can give, I hate to admit but mostly to myself, is to take this as a wakeup call if you have seen these trends begin to occur. Stop worrying so much about what you have to say and be more concerned about what the other person has to offer. More often than not, the same will be returned and then your partner will actually be interested in hearing whatever it is that you feel should take up precious air and time.
It is funny how as a woman, we can totally shut down any intimacy or even the idea of intimacy according to our emotions. By 7:00 am this morning I had already determined that i would not be intimate at all with Paul today if he didn’t take his turn in getting Ashlyn ready for the bus this morning and then decided that he was feeling well enough to go to his scheduled golf tournament! You see, Paul and I take turns just about every other day in getting up with the kids especially Ashlyn because she is “special needs” for those who don’t know, and she gets up extremely early some days. So we have had this mutual agreement for years. But the last few weeks we haven’t really been on the schedule because of the physical and emotional drain of being on radio show after radio show morning and night. Which has really been a great thing, however, my “taker” as Dr. Harley calls it in his books, has risen up and as Popeye says, “I’ve taken all I can stanz and I can’t stanz no more! For Paul’s side, he has had a sore throat for three days now and Anthony and I were in the doctor’s office yesterday and he has strep! So, with all of the extra stress, i have already shut down by 7:00 am. Dr. Harley states that we all have a “giver” and we all have a “taker.” Self explanatory as they are and as justified as i think i am to allow my “taker” to rise up, something interesting happened in the car-ride home from dropping Ashlyn off at school, (yes, she missed her bus this morning!) I was listening to the radio and heard an interview with Chris Tomlin, and they later played his song, “How Great is Our God” my heart was touched as i began to re-focus my mind from “ME” and focus on how great my God is. My selfish heart broke over my “selfish” thoughts and I just sat in my garage singing at the top of my lungs with tears flowing down my face. And in that moment, the third person of God in our relationship rose up and turned my “taker” back into my “giver” again. Christ is the difference in a believer’s life. It is His spirit that is in us that re-focuses our minds and hearts so that we are enabled to do what is right even when we “feel” like doing what is wrong. For this reason, again, I emphasize that this “program” we call the “30daysexchallenge” will not work unless two people are one in body mind and spirit through the redemptive work of the cross in their individual lives. This was made known to me as I listened to a radio personality, who is a female, mention after Paul had gone off the air live, that she wouldn’t have sex when she was angry with her spouse. I wanted to jump on the telephone lines to clarify… your missing it. Your right, no-one wants to be intimate with anyone when there is “stuff” between them, but our plan is to make sure that we are first getting rid of the “stuff” between us through forgiveness. So try forgiveness first. And we can only “forgive, even as we have been forgiven.” Col 3:13 Have you been forgiven?
Susie
So it is day 12 of the challenge and all I can say is that I have been blown away by what people are writing here on this blog. I know that God is doing a makeover on hundreds and hundreds of relationships and for that I am thrilled and humbled. I also know that for some of you this has been the most difficult thing that you have ever done in your relationships. Maybe for some people who are single this is the first time that you have decided to place God at the center of your relationship. And for some married couples maybe this is the first time that you have considered your spouses needs over your own. Susie and I are really enjoying the challenge because it has been 10 years since we have done this. Yes 10 years ago Susie and I embarked on 30 days of intimacy that has lead to 10 years of meeting each others deepest emotional needs. We have not always been great at meeting each others needs because all of us are selfish from time to time but we always know what we are supposed to do. My prayer is that as we close in on the half way point that you would make the choice not to quit. I am sure that some of you are at the point where you are saying this is to hard, I don’t like meeting my spouses needs, or I do not like it that God wants me to reserve sex for marriage and you want to quit. Well could I encourage you that usually half way through anything is the time where most people quit and then they never see the benefits of reaching their goal. Weather it is climbing Mount Everest, running a Marathon, joining the football team, or doing something great for God and our relationships. We all must decide to crash through the quitting points and continue moving forward. We will talk soon.
“KEEP MOVING FORWARD” Walt Disney
Paul
We just received this from Karie:
I’m one of the singles taking the challenge, however I have been in a long term relationship for 3 years. I decided that this would be a really good thing for us, and fairly easy since we are not currently living together at this time, and only get to see each other twice a week. My boyfriend was not very “pumped” about the challenge, yet he said “I can do this NO PROBLEM!” This has definitely opened up lines of communication between the two of us. I have learned that sex is a very big part of the relationship for intimacy - but definitely not the most important! I need honesty and affection from my partner.
I have to admit, today above all days I was tempted for some additional intimacy since he will be visiting, but then I saw the daily Bible Verse for today and this is what it said:
“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God” 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 NIV
Talk about God having my back when Satan was out to get me! Throughout this challenge - I am learning above all, that I need to put God first above all things, more than my boyfriend, myself, or anything else. Through Christ all things are possible.
Karie
We just received this in our email:
…My story is that I started this challenge on Feb.15th, before I even heard of the church wide challenge. I am a Christian and have been for 16 years now, and have remained abstinent throughout those years. But when I got engaged we started toying with the idea that we are going to get married so it doesn’t really matter right? I just want to say, from experience, that it does matter!! If you are already sexually active when you get married, then what is there to look forward to on your wedding night? It will just be another night together. Because I now have this mindset, I sat my fiance down and talked to him. I said that I wanted our wedding night to be something we looked forward to. Something exciting and amazing!!! Not just another night like the rest. So we made a commitment to abstain from ALL sexual activity until our wedding night. And we were especially not allowed to tease each other, because that would lead to too much. So we are just passing week one and he is already telling me how much he can’t wait to get married!!! And I know I can’t either! We will be married on March 15th and I know it will be wonderful!! I just wanted to say that I think this challenge is a Great idea and thank ya’ll for creating such a buzz about it!
We just got this from Kara.
I have been drawn to so much that has been written from the singles
embarking on this journey. How I wish I could rewind the clock and
make different choices. How I wish I could have given myself
completely to my husband. How I wish that at this very moment, I
would have a smile on my face about my past instead of these tears.
Even now in my late 20’s, happily married with kids, there are pieces
of me that I will never have again, pieces of me that feel as if they
have been stolen. I am still living with the choices I made and it
still hurts. It hurts my heart but more importantly, I know that I
disappointed God. I hate the feeling like I want to run and hide from
Him, knowing that I never will be able to. I listened to a terrible
lie, I was totally deceived into thinking that I just wasn’t worth it.
I couldn’t have been more wrong. And do you know who showed me that
I was worth it? My husband. From the first day that I met him he
showed me the love of Jesus. I didn’t know it at the time, and it
took me about a year to accept His gift, but Jesus sent me the most
amazing man who truly has “loved me as Christ loves his church.” (Eph.
5:25). This challenge has really been a great ride so far. Not only
have I been able to take the first steps toward forgiving myself, but
it brought me back to the gift that my husband has been in my life.
Now that I know his needs, I can work on fulfilling them; work on
sacrificing myself in the right, healthy way. It really is all about
Christ’s love for us, and I’m finally seeing that.
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